untitled

and the winter is poisonous, killing the green and making smiles disappear, then rearrange into barred teeth and empty eyes.

and i fucking miss you like running for the bus and the bus driver shakes hishead no at the cross walk when you look in sad eyed, hoping to get a piece of the warmth.
but i cant tell you. boy you did a number on the both of us.
and winter sure is a poison.

white

and i look into you but more through you, a white bowl full of white rice, so many little pieces inside stuck together, and all the same absence of colour.
and i am thinking thoughts like algebra and one plus one equals two, but if so why am i alone here,
on this couch, heavy like sand pulling off my shoes
and walking through the cold air of a wet forest by the beach,
the same place i was when i saw you for the first time,
woven behind trees and laced in the roots and bark,
and you are soft like pulled cotton, the branches cutting fingers
and the blood of my hands staining the pure white.
staining the pure white.

lol

my shoes are flattened from the distance i walked just to hold your hand
and when i got their your hands were cracked like the cement
i stomped on to break her back

untitled

blow me over, explosive boom
where flies grow and cultivate our homes
and where birds bat their wings against the wind

blurrrrb

you put your foot into the puddle where i was lost you were found
cant stand not having you near me, can't stand when you're not around

a line.

my goodness goes bad without you. good always goes bad with no one to give it to.

and since his death there will always be the feeling, the feeling that i wasn't worth sticking around for

unhappy before me
sad when you're with me
lonely without me,
so tell me what's worse?

verse from a song that i have yet to write. maybe we can work on it together

untitled

i hope you say my name in your sleep.
i hope you miss me.
i want to tear you up inside.
inside out.

untitled

i am standing in quick time next to the street
in a rush of blood to my heart i could jump out
be hit by any vehicle, cyclist-pathetic.
but i am numb from these things,
i jolt awake like from a bad dream, only i dont have many dreams anymore
just half awake half asleep world, with thoughts outstretching their way across the
city, only to be closer to you,
so hold your tongue
dont tell me what you are
just hold your tongue

im pissed off that no one ever just wants me. simple. just me.

i wouldn't lift one finger. i wouldn't lift one tendon/joint/appendage
to give you a hand and i know you would not do the same

i've been dancing in the shadow of the moon and the thought of you has made me
crave more more more, and its starting to swell up like a mosquito bite,
itchy....and i know it will leave a mark if i scratch at it. so i leave it.
i don't lift one finger.

if i could pretend you didn't exist i would, if i hadn't have committed myself to you like
a crime i'm sure i would be with someone genuine, someone who says they want me and they do. and i'm sure if i didn't make that promise to be yours, if i had waited, then maybe i would be yours, with the return of you being mine.

all i know is, you would never lift one finger for me, and mine hands are bound tightly behind my back

untitled

the hole is not as deep as it once was, skin filled with liquid
to press into and feet unable to stand.
these were the conditions that kept her alive
traded her feet for 3 more years
and even three years didn't cut it.
lacerating strands of marrow
and tendons.
she donated the beats of her heart
to science

only you

thoughts like these sprout up
like broccoli crowns
in this skull where
my sensible brain used to be.

i cant think of anyone but you.
i cant think of anyone but you.

jibber jabber

churning and whirling in bed like
a buttered up piece of bread you
are toasting in the heat

i told you once, how i felt
i felt like waffle batter
i said, and you pressed me
into small cubes
and served me to our company

we invited them over for dinner
they stayed one whole week
could not get enough of your breakfast
darling
but now you're a slice of whole wheat

haiku for those off to the obituary section

they fanned the flat sheet
over her face, like making
an emptied out bed

untitled

solstice time, when the
lightest moment is the darkest,
and time is
no longer
noticeable

soft words on your lips make the promise of your wish

no pain was felt after the car crash
just soft white lights and echoed voices
hushing over your body
a blurred and untraceable reason
there is a reason for your death tonight.
because you asked for it in the morning light

untitled

honey licked fingers and liquored up dancers
whirring in my head.
under crows wings
and sparrow legs
and raven eyes we walk
can not fly

untitled

dreaming of nowhere
air that has hidden the smiles
of the sky,
and smell that would sweeten
the smell of our collision.
lavender in the night air
when the pavement was still
wet, we wrote our names
with sticks.
and pressed in the palms of our hands
years from now they will remember our names
even when we no longer do

internal distances

the weight of my foot on the floor seems to sound farther than ever before
and i want to put my arms around you.
i wanted you to put your arms around my waist, and tell me only one time.
i have finished now like the last stream of smoke from cigarette lit lips
and i am done.
i left you by the path by the lake on a walk today
i left you by the path, so in my thoughts you could still
trace your way back to my door step
i secretly didn't want you to stay there forever.
i wanted you on the right track.
you secretly didn't want me.

i grabbed the branches to the bushes that got in my way
and cracked them in the palm of my hand.
i held your hand on the drive home.
letting go of mine in intervals to shift gears.
my brain is shifting gears,
my body in 3rd and my heart is in reverse.

i can smell the ocean in the morning when i leave my house
and i just think that you're out there fishing for a new me.
i could break your spine. and i would throw you
back into the sea.

missing the winter

snow ball packed as hard as ice
smashes into his face
bruising at first crush
black and blue like the sky tonight
and yellowing like the morning
yellowing as it heals,
and i can see the pain sinking in
looking down and holding hand over cheek
bones and numb skin where laughter
spilled away and the coldness of this day
and the coldness of this day is finally standing up
but shrugging.
ashamed of what it had become.

untitled

slowly blackening like the yellow of a banana peel
your eyes are darker than the logs left over
from beach fires
and the trees half frazzled from
forest fires.
your flame is burning out.
your flame is burning out.

untitled

this is a story of a blue old man
with rings on his fingers
and a cane in his hand
skin falls into where cheeks used to be
and the grins he grins are all fake to me.

new enemy

listen to the screen door slam
and stagger into this desert town
dried up and no booze
to drown
yourself in.
just keep on walking, new foe,
old friend.

first love.

skin is soft against mine
a first love,
a first kiss i stole from you
not knowing if you wanted it to be taken.
but our love was like milk.
our love is milk.
expiration date was printed
across foreheads, behind fences
underneath smiles, and in between eyelashes.
walk me home in the snow
take my hand in the cold
nothing could touch this.
nothing is going to compare,
i have concluded
that i will never find this again,
never find you again.

untitled

polished marbles
you collected
to play on this polished
floor.
i choked with mouth full of
them.
youre full of something..
i said. laughed. etched
under nails at the dirt
from our garden out back,
got lost in there,
the sun made the only
direction to follow.
the sun is the only direction to follow.

untitled

i forget who held me
who sat me on their knee
at the funeral of my father,
i just forget.

i forgot what to do today
i was scolded with long fingers
and judged harder than i have ever been.
i forgot what it felt like to be hated.
i just forgot.

and..
and so i wanted someone to love me
because i remember how that feels
and i remember how it feels to be with out it
i should just forget it.

untitled

so easily disposable, dispensable.
you are
not the only one i have had on that bed
old chap.
you are not the only one i have ever had
in my mind.
and i hate the past but it has happened
and i know it will always be there
has made me who i am
and willow trees hold my secrets
in their leaves
and they only seep out
when its raining
and when its raining,
no one can tell if i am crying.
so i walk in this days heavy shower.
and i am walking,
and i am silent.
my mother said
always to hold my weight
be quiet when i am
wandering, walking
my mother said to always
hold my weight.

speechless

i took the look you gave
and put it in my pocket.
where moths beat their wings
they bite at my jeans
the ones that hang in my closet.
and i am soft spoken around you.

and my brother shakes your hand
but asks questions later.
i never had any answers
and i never wrote letters
to put on paupers graves
i am soft spoken around you.

where blades of grass
grew higher than my knees
i walked
and drew a hand to touch the lilac
that grew towards me
such sweet haze they bring to
this dry air

and i can't speak around you

reminiscing

it is my 11th birthday. my closest friends are over at my house,
and i have a cold. at some point i laugh so hard that snot comes shooting out my nose.
disgusting, but ....really really funny at the time. i remember when things like parents and money and clothes didn't matter. i remember when we had the summer off from school and just hung out all day, played hide and go seek until the sun went down and went to the beach almost everyday. summers were the greatest. up until summer jobs were an apparent necessity. i remember thinking that being able to go to the park (that was maybe 30 metres from my back yard) by myself was a huge deal. there are a lot of things i am missing lately. i wish i could be a kid for just 5 more minutes, like the way most people yearn for 5 more minutes in bed. just turn off the light, pull the covers over my head, and play tag in the backyard with the neighbourhood kids.

untitled

still, like the moment before the fox leaps
at its prey,
still.

quiet, like in the morning
when sleep is starting to creep away,
roll out with the fog,
and the city is still.

i want to be quiet.
i want to be still.
i want to be with you.
if forever is even such a thing.

bumbling fool
bumble bee
be mine
whats mine is yours
forever more,
you bumbling old fool.

faint breath,
blue faced
and pin pricked
angels,
they sing me to sleep
some days, nights
and sometimes even
he visits me.
but only sometimes.

i see you hover
others have spoken
of you, seen you
talked with you
for only a moment,
i think the mind shows
you what you want to see.
and i certainly dont want to
see, he who left me.
but i know you hover.
i see the shadow
in the corner of the ceiling
i see the shadow
over my heart.

i find it so easy to love people.
i find it so easy to be disappointed.
if you hadnt have left me,
maybe i would chose someone
who loves me back.
instead of choosing just anyone
to love.

bumbling fool.
fools gold is not
for the heart of me.

folded, edges in.

could scream it at you, not sure if you heard me the first time
its like all i wanted is folded, edges in, and done up with a bow
its like all i wanted is folded.

inside of sweaty bars and in the back seats of cars i was finding myself
sitting alone with other people, meaningless communication
just to be close to someone.

its like all i wanted is folded.

just to be close to anyone. just give me a smile darling
just buy me a drink, that's what i would think.
sitting alone next to someone who wasn't you.

and i could scream it at you, it grows bigger
and bigger, a ball in my throat
a light exploding inside of my chest
but for now we will stick to meaningless communication
i think i would like to stick around with you
for a little while at least

provide for one

deer footprint, headlight, side lamp
willow tree, dissected interstate
traffic line
pomegranate
lime aide lemonade
butterfly wings
blue morning
soup at lunch
roast beef at dinner.
alone again
dead of winter.

untitled

thickened with smoke, the air
becomes a passive necessity.
i would never admit that what keeps
me alive, is in the end what kills me.
i want to breathe you in instead.
i want to remember your air

they tore it out

playground my father helped build
wood chips and old metal slide
bolted to wooden bridges.
playground my father helped
build, was torn down today.
replaced with gravel
and plastic slides
and metal bars to climb.
so much lesser than it had been
in my younger life.
so much less.

when the end is near it will be what you wanted

i will leave you alone like you have insinuated
you've made references towards
the great departure.
so i will make it easy for you.
i will make it easy for you to hate me.

summer nights

sallow sunken skin washed over like
an old apple
you could make pies out of you.
you could make cider.
blades of grass that itched my leg
and the smell of sweet summer
flowers, they never smell as sweet
as you, and the mosquitos always
find it.

bold laughter and arms
dewy with summer sweat
as the night cools off
we turn down the rythmic
fans- click click buzz
and another stale breeze
in that direction.

only a month ago at this time
it would have been dark
but now dusk only brings pale light
and the flutter of moths

whirring back and forth
between the trees
this seasons bees search and find you.

Never Enough

She paid so much money to look that cheap,
and she grinned with the whitest of white teeth
and I'm wondering, why are we changing ourselves?
and I'm wondering, why do we keep changing?
I thought, when I was twelve, I had no breasts
and my mother still bought my clothes
from Zellers.
and I see,
this girl she wears guess jeans
and shes
attracting men
older than me.
I just hope her father
is a strong figure.
I just hope he's strong enough
to knock her down.
My mother was strong enough-
enough to be father and mom.
She knocked me down for the both of them,
and I think I will never be good enough.
So you're looking at that girl running
she's more fit, more strong,
more blonde,
than I will ever be
and you tell me what you would like
to do to her,
and I wonder why not me.
Because mother was always good
at "you're fat, you're ugly, you're dumb, you're a liar"
so baby stop telling me I'm not good enough,
just go join the choir.

untitled

she said she had no bones
but hungrier for something
ultra-human something
passively exotic
and she said to me
that she had no bones

forever-ben harper

not talking about a year, no not three or four, i dont want that kind of forever in my life anymore.
forever always seems to be around when things begin, but forever never seems to be around
when it ends.

no regrets about you darling.

walking home in the dark
of a warm summer night.
i think, under that light
we stood one time
i remember the shadows that hit
your cheek, your eye.
walking home, alone, again.
let the emptiness come crashing in.
again.
that's how i like it.
never gave me a ride home.
never took me out to see the stars
but the stars are brightest tonight,
and i took myself to see them

untitled

clear mind.
sleeping eyes.
breathless air.
summer is here.

late night.
phone rings.
it's not you this time.
turn a blind eye.

dreams are what save you.
turn a blind eye, baby.
it's not you this time.
summer is here

oysters

different from the inside
scratched at and etched skin
of hard shell covered hearts

half sleep world

cracked palms,
dry hands,
hard working minds, they search over
my body.
quiet eyes, half sleep world
and undertone of voices
whispering sighs and hollowed
out thoughts
scooped out like the flesh of avocado.
that's where i would follow you
like fuzz in the air that drifts
and sneezes on the flesh.
i would follow the air around you.
blinded minds and heavy blankets
are a sea bed of so many creatures
you have seen and i have never heard of.
you see so many things i wont ever.
you see so many things in me
cracked palms searching over.

quick note

stop and wait, hurry up and wait
always in an awkward rush, but so am I
just want it to happen already, what, I don't know
just something new, something amazing,
something that makes my heart skip a beat,
something that knocks me off my feet
and stops the words in my mouth.
I cant stand it. palm to palm.
skin on skin, and eye to eye, you look into mine.
but I could get looks else where if that's all I wanted
you know it's not.
you were all I ever wanted.

untitled

"aint got nothing, then you aint to nothing to lose," she said
and i laughed as smoke
streamed from my mouth, because she had more than anyone i knew.
that day there was a thunder storm,
and lightning drove me home
scared i might get hit,
and i had.
old aunt of cigarettes and sunken bone marrow
asked me where i had been. out.
out.
out. and nowhere else.
further than the oak tree in the backyard
and higher than the rain in the sky.

i cant explain why

this is me wrapped up in you,
in your blanket, in this bed.
this is me.
i can remember the colour of your eyes
they are brighter each time i see them
i want to put that smile in my pocket
to look at it, whenever i want.
to have a piece of you, some place
with me.
i cant explain how safe i feel.
how warmed. and that's what it is.
that is what i meant when i told you
that i love you

what is better for me

from the grocery store, back down my street
to the place i call my home,
and up my spine,
and in the corner of my eye.
they say "if a man is a man he will treat you like
the woman you are, and you are a great one.
i said honey, you are a great one".
but from my sighing breath and
the tips of my fingers, and the
kiss of my lips, i still wish
i could touch you.
cant even get close.
not to you. or any man who
says he cares, they just don't.
it's because they really don't.

like dying but softer

grandmother to grandmother
of breast and ovaries

father of bone
and mother of lung

hand to hand
and mouth to smoke

kisses are the tumors
a swelling growth

i will have it too one day
of skin, of blood

i will be consumed by
the bodies

and ground into someones
new soul.

i want to tell you.

ive been trying to get up the nerve
the nerve to say this to you
but lungs breathe in too deeply
to allow the words to escape from
soft lips
i miss you harder than
you could miss me and i want
to kiss you longer than you want
to kiss me.
i missed my chance to tell you.
i missed my chance.

i am sorry.

mild distortion of thoughts, and i am out
like the brightest of lights you were told to never walk in to
i see you plain and simple
someone to hold on to, something to clutch
but yet there is more than just the physical.
i always open my mouth at the wrong time,
i always feel the way i shouldn't be feeling
and i always make sure everyone
knows it.
i am unintentional. i am a mistake
that someone made and i continued
to make it.
i am out like the brightest of lights,
one that will never turn on again.

11:56 am and the night after the ocean view

cradle me in the night
which is dark and cold
but in the morning
you leave me
like you found me.
i am a feather of things
simplicity of wings and another
heart string tendon
vibrating towards your
hands held and shaken
i am shaken when i am with you
feeling insecure and unsure
and less than i have
ever felt
but sometimes
it's good to feel small.
know your place
stand up straight, stand
in line and
know your place
is right next to someone else
someone who bothers to warm your back
when its facing the wind
and knows to kiss your cheek
when it's hot from the flame.
but i'm still burning
waiting in line
the finish line, heart pulled
with fish line and sinker
i just need someone who would
bother to reel me in.

my father the painter

my father the painter, with head
held higher than most other mans head
and a prickly mustache that scratched my cheeks
with kisses, always knew what everyone's thoughts were.
he made jokes like i make jokes
and he stretched out his long arms with each paint brush stroke
yawning in the sun.
i remember how big his hands were, i know my hand fit inside
so small, and that's how i will always feel.
my father the painter with splattered jeans and
beer in the fridge.

judgements of trust; we are in the same boat.

you've read my words and
listened to snippets
of conversation
absorbing only the smallest fragments
of who i want you to believe i am.
so you accuse me. i am not guilty
or maybe i am guilty in thought.
but you say you have this gut feeling.
maybe you're too scared to be vulnerable
so you push me away
like the rest of an unwanted meal.
don't bother putting me in the fridge for later,
just scrape me off your plate.

to be like me

to be mortal is to fall apart, separate skin from bone
and lacerated tendons
to decay.
to never die is to live carelessly
to take for granted the soul
that lives within.

to my great aunt, i never knew your name

i never met you, but i
touched the things you left
behind
a dim apartment you never
owned, books you
read more than once,
maybe even more than
three times.
the family bible in the
drawer of the bedside table,
and the cold carpet that
you stood on every morning
as you crawled out of bed.
you must have meant something
to somebody,
that's why we were
there, to clean up after you,
my mothers aunt
my grandmothers sister. and someone elses daughter
i got to choose one
thing to take. just one.
i took the brass sculpture
of an otter.
i looked at it, and thought
that's where you were now.
inside.
so i took you, and
kept you alive.

he hit him and i heard of it

you hollow out the fish you caught
dissecting the bones and throwing them into the fire
the smell of marrow burning.
you remember it
since the day your father belted you
on a camping trip up north. the smell is almost
comforting. this was the last time he felt anything for you.
even if it was hate
but we could toss that in the fire,
listen to it cackle and hiss
another memory.
you could wince, but the calmness of the water
always brings you back to it.
and secretly you love to think of it.

sleepy

sleep falling over my eyes like
a steel blanket weighted above my body
sunken into the mattress, i am alone one more time.
it keeps dragging me down, sleep clings to me
like sand between toes, or leaches in a pond
it feels nice to be heavy every now and then.
cloud dream bubbles and animated "zzz"'s above my head

thinking about love and longing

all this time
i've been caught up thinking, you're this untouchable grace
and i have thought about you, unthinkable thoughts
alone in a slated room like rocks lying on a beach
and sanding down each others bones
you are 'tallest in the morning' they say
so i would lie down with you. in fact i dreamt of it.

untitled

maybe with a gasp
of discontent you would notice
the tears in my eyes.
oh if i held my breath and
turned blue, you would know how
blue i am on the inside.
my blood runs thinner now that
ive had a drink
the drink tells me to lie
very still, with quarters on my eyes
and an old kiss still puckered on my lips.
the ocean could crash down,
millions of miles away, and the
tiniest of vibrations
would still tickle my toes.
they wont remember me
tomorrow, or even notice if i were gone.
their minds
are not as sharp as my elbows,
ive always been able to butt my way
through a crowd.
stand out, stand up, stand down.
if i were unique
like you say, i never knew
how i got this way.
would like to think i
were ordinary...would like to think
things are easier for those
without pencils in their pockets
or nails in their shoes.

i wish

all of the kids... with full pockets and parents there
to stuff them up.
ive started to sew my pants
without them, the pockets that is.
aint no one there to
rub my back until i fall asleep
tired and want
to give it all up, some days,
at least.
im relying on you
to lead me home,
hope.
and your relying on me
to be the one to love.
i spotted a couple last night
hugging and dancing and matching fingers between
fingers
i wished i were them.
i fucking wished
i was them.
all of your childrens children
never knew what it was
without a mothers mother
or a fathers dad, nope.
nuclear families i cant stand for
they just start to sicken me
but i want that.
i want them.
i fucking wish.

untitled

i bruised my hand one time, or maybe you bruised it for me
holding me back from traffic, one leg
extended, other leg ready
for take off
i could jump off these
buildings, you built them.
they are higher and higher until
no one can see the ocean, not even
from their roofs, let alone their
front lawns.
so i wanted to stand
on the rocks. waded in the salt
and sand to reach them.
i bruised my hand once.

counting silver

"you have nickles on you", she pointed..."there...and there...
you have nickles in your skin, i do too, but you have more, and kids have even more than you do"
i didnt understand. i am not made of money and coins do not string together my body,
holding tightly or interwoven between cells of fat and tissue.
so i agreed, so you would feel understood, and you put your fingers into her pourage to steal her sugar.

slveszki

i took a breath, well, a sigh one might call it
and wheezed as my lungs struck their cords
im not an instrument you might play, with bony fingers, no
but i could play that tune if you wanted me to
im good at pretending, i could be good for you

so i plucked out each gray hair i found, and i picked
the ones off the back of my sweater
im tired, so tired of growing old
that i asked the doctor to cut away
the useless skin, like chicken breast
but with the softest of feathers.

and i turned my cheek to you one day
so you reintroduced your palm to it
and i grabbed your hand harder than you knew to
sayin' "you cant hurt me anymore"
and your stain glass glare didn't throw me
this time, you are my violin.

today i am not who i want to be

cant find the time, to make excuses, too busy taking what you give me
throwing right to me
and my smile will fade after a long day, and the sun will always go away
misunderstood the lines of the lyrics to the song you sing to me
can never quite get why every man
all strong men
have to leave, die or yell
and well, im growing thinner, trying to fit in...fit in to this picture perfect view
but scissors keep snipping down the corners, making it smaller, making it harder
i will never be a woman who can hold your hand.

tired of the same people

i don't know what it was that drew me to you,
line from point A to point B diagrammed in pencil.
the eraser is getting pretty worn out by now.

brevity equals clarity

pretending i am weightless, underneath the sky tonight, and looking down at city lights
makes me feel so small.
i never judged me until you judged you, and only by comparison did i come up insufficient.
and only then did i see myself for what i was, not a snapshot tucked into an old book for someone i don't know to find some day, but i see my face. i see the pores expanding with oxygen and time. i see me as you see me.
just a body encasing something untamed inside.
just a body.

untitled

i want to be better than you, better than the songs you sing and the words you
read off that paper napkin, the words your wrote while waiting for me to arrive
you think you are such a smart man, you're a boy with a pen in his hand.
and sometimes you make the stupidest of remarks
ones that stain remover cant seem to draw from my memory.
why don't you compare us again? tell me how shes thinner
tell me how her smiles are what you think of when you think of me.

and when you're done, just reply,

"well, i still think you're pretty..."

looking for the unconditional

you were the last one to fully love me, curled up in your lap
you combed my hair with your fingers.
i'm looking for someone to do the same
but i always give too much away.

i remember you on the worst of days

i am daddys little girl with flinstone pushpop dripping down my summer dress.
my mother is yelling at you
with cigarrette in hand, car keys in other, shes here to take me home.
i love you most. i know shes poisoning your mind, like she does mine.
we walked down to the corner store with my brother,
he is a man now, with two kids of his own.
i still fantasize that i see you walking, im looking for your face in
everyone who walks past. im not crazy.
i know youre not alive anymore, i just miss you.
i was daddys little girl. i was five.

used to laugh at your jokes. now the joke is on you.

you want me? you can have me.
im nothing. have nothing.
im ready, gun in hand, i packed your
badge, we're ready.
we're nothing.

i could read you. crack your spine
crack open that book of yours, of you.
im not a fan of that dialogue,
the language thats written is pompous and
poison.

so im ready. gun in hand. i made sure to pack your badge.

maternally destined.

cracks in the heels of your feet mean you stand up, for you, for me.
cracks in the pavement mean you break your mothers back, been breaking
her since the day you were born
shes sturdier than you can see, she lets you
lean, now you lean on me.

a squabble

oh please stop. i dont deserve all of the flowers you are sending me. i hate the way you dote. you tell me you love the outline of my body, and you softly smell my hair. i just dont deserve the dinners you take me to, four course meals and when youre done you proceed to order wine, and not even because you want to get me drunk, but because "the pallet deserves a taste of extravegance", thats what you say.
and you buy me things. diamonds... and you gave me, one time, a massage that lasted two hours. not expecting one in return.
oh please stop.

you are the water and i am just the same as ive been

"what the water wants is hurricanes, and sailboats to ride on its back. what the water wants is sun kiss and land to run into its back"


and i know when you leave dear, you'll come back to me sooner than you went
sitting on the edge of the tub with toes dipped in
you like the way you swirl when youre with me
you are the water and i am just the same as ive been
enveloping me like a blanket
and getting carried away to different coasts.
im with you

irremoveable things.

i hollered. voice echoed through your skelleton
and you were moved by the words i said.
i said, i've been looking for someone
someone who's kind of like you
someone who's invisible kind of like me
and i was moved by the thoughts in my head
they screamed your name and it rang like a bell
in the tunnel of my ears
filtering into the thought of us on my bed
with the light on in the other room. and how i wish you would make love to me
but you have to be in love to do that.
and i know this- i know youre not in love.

in the margin

i avoided throwing the papers out
the ones where i scribbled your last name after my first
and drew little hearts in the margin
and i had these dreams then, dreams of swimming
in the ocean, ocean
rushing over my hair
hair turning into kelp and seaweed
but the sun is still shining on me
through the water.
so i sent those papers away
in a bottle with a cap
and i put them in the sea
where they belong with you

quickly now and without dimention

the air could be moving but i am moving with it and the cement is titling under our feet and i know the smallest pebbles always get caught in your shoes like losing teeth and spitting out the blood and the blood reminds me of the look in your eyes when i told you that i had been lying, the look on your face was boiling, so hot i could cook my conscience right there on the sweat at your brow, and i see it furrow in my imagination everytime i tell someone a piece of me, a piece you have never known and i can tell you are unhappy without me, but youre a relationship pyro and you burned those bridges before i even grew breasts and started kissing boys or before i knew what the word hypocrite meant, but i know it now and it defines you to a T. but i no longer make these judgements i know you think of me as often as it rains here and that is every day but you only touch my mind as often as i am bit by a spider and i make sure to clean up the webs and i made sure to clean out my closet.

idontcare

i will
deny that i have these em-
otions, but they burn a hole through my stomach, and pinch my
nerves until i am fiery and i cannot
turn them off
cannot refuse that they
are existant. cannot
refuse that i am only human
even though i lie and pretend i dont care

a moment of regret

i dropped the ball again like i dropped your favourite bowl and watched with open mouth as the glass shattered, unfixable are all of the mistakes i have made.

and i say things sometimes, sometimes for the smallest of laughs, but i shatter when i see the sadness in your eyes.

i make the most of all these obstacles, and i run through them like grass, but sometimes the grass is too high, and my legs arent strong enough to glide through it

so i lay there, watching the sky, and the sky is always changing on me. and even i dont stay the same lying under it

i take in breaths and those breaths keep me alive and they keep me moving, but those breaths keep me dying. every molecule of oxygen makes me older, and my eyes will start to tire and i know my mind will go some day

but all i have is this second, and the broken glass beneath my feet to sweep up again

youarebeautiful

you can never
open that jar of pickles
unless i am
around for you to impress, a
riot would ensue if someone wasnt there to
ensure how you are such a strong man
but
even
an
unintentional idiot would notice youre lying
to
impress the likes of me it would take more effort
for i am not that kind of girl
unless, of course, you are a
lonely kind of guy

make an effort

i am not unfaithful but my right eye is a wandering one
it is not that you disinterest me
but you seem to slip away
like those tubey balloon things filled with water
you never jiggle in my direction
i like to get looks and i like to give looks
but you always sit beside me so i cant see into
your eyes
so i forget what colours they are
and i only remember that i like you more when im with you
it doesnt help that youre never around
im not unfaithful, but im looking into the eyes of those who look into mine

a quick note

dear un-nameable,

tonight i saw two deer on my neighbours lawn as i was walking home in the glint of the lights that line my street. this reminded me of running around in the forest in your back yard, there were many deer, i swear they could see straight through me.
last night i was driving in the dark, and i saw where you used to drive us, up straight and onto a winding road, into a clearing where houses we waiting to be built, and we sat on the roof of your car, looking up at the stars, feet dangling through the sun roof, the foo fighters playing off your ipod. i remember how unsure i was of myself. and i remember how it started to rain, though only lightly. and how i told you to just take me home.
i remember how i didnt feel like i even had a home at that time. so inbetween. so secondary to everything else.
but the rain was real. and the stars were. and the deer still see straight through me.
im so glad to be rid of you. i pretend you never happened. but i remember the driving. and i remember the rain, i always remember it this time of year.

walking down my street after dark

i wonder what you are doing behind your windows
i wonder what youre up to behind those glowing curtains
i want to know your exact thought
i want to be a snap shot of you
a photograph on your wall
i want to be you

ps, an after-thought

you could slowly run your fingers down
run them down the window of the car while you drive away
i am walking myself up to the front door
thinking of what i should not say
but i did
those words, they didnt sound too good.
i would take them back if i could.
even though i meant it.
and i know what you mean
as you drive yourself home again
driving yourself away from me

on the subject of sweating

i am nervous.
on the ride over to my house you light up a cigar
you dont inhale.
i can imagine the match sizzling with the flick of your wrist
the morning is yellowing
and opening the sky.
i cant wait until you get here
i cant wait to see your face, to memorize it
one more time
to imprint it into my eyelids
so when i close them and sleep even then i see you
i am nervous
i know youre on your way

cancer

there is a thick layer of nicotine on my finger
and some days i crave other worldly things unlike
these sticks of dried roots and chlorophyl
i am stronger than the axe you swing at me
i am stronger than branches
and stronger than the tree

i'll show you the kelp you left behind

you build it up like a brick house
a wall to keep the wolves out
and you never mind what your neighbours say
you build it up like a stack of hay
and we were sea lions before we were born into these bodies
torn from the ocean that bore us
that bathes us

skippin' town

i held your hand
you packed your bags
some old clothes, some old shoes
and the pictures of your father
we threw it out, at the cost of animosity
wouldve burned it if we thought to

its not your fault
they all expect too much of you
take it in stride
youre only better because of this
it could all be in your mind

to be persued

never ever a priority
always just a convenience
going out of your way
to fill your infatuation
to fill it to the brim with thoughts of
candy flavoured kisses and the look of my
legs in that skirt.
you wouldnt dare
i want to be what you desire
to be persued
i want to be what you live for
what you would die for
but i take sips from this stained coffee cup
and my eyes are tired some days
and you would never admit that you liked me once
just as you never even admitted to me
never have i been a priority

spacial

i think you will wear tired of me
in this constellation of thoughts you are the milky way
lucid and opaque.
i wish i was the sun
to cast a light onto you
to make you love me.
to make your universe collide

danse macabre

i could be expansive
i could spread out like spilled coffee
i could never imagine fitting myself back into that body
my energy is floating all around us
everything is loud, piercing
every small sound is multiplied by a thousand
reverberrating in my skull
i could be expansive
i could never imagine fitting myself back into that body again.

on a thursday night in the midst of a dream she left us all

youd give me more if you could.
what the rest of my days should be
i would change everything
i would make love to you. i would dance with you on a rainy night
sleep under the stars
i would eat anything i wanted
i would eat you up
i would go bungee jumping
free fall and hope not to lose touch
with you
and if i died today, what day is it anyway?
would you remember my smile.
oh, the smell of my hair
oh, the taste of my lips
wake up naked
drinking coffee
the world is changing us.
and if i died today, what day is it anyway?

when you are all alone, youre not

there are angels everywhere
they kissed your skin before you were born,
that is what those freckles are on your arms

they are standing right beside you
sometimes they stare into you
hoping to catch a glimpse of recognition

we look right through them
we look straight through.

untitled

you are cancerous.
cantankerous.
all of us are diseased
swimming around on this planet
in the end its not death that separates us
its ourselves

while i was on the bus, you came to mind

i would be happy to lay down beside you
close my eyes and never open them
stay here forever.
i said i miss you, but you couldnt hear me.
whispered it under my breath. but just to be near you
(could you say the same?)
i wanted to undress you with my eyes but you slapped away my glare
button yourself up tight, now all i do is stare
please dont close the door when im eighty-four
the heart has no wrinkles, but the creases by my eyes are from looking into yours.
i would be happy to lay down beside you
and never wake up.

separate from this planets conditions

the sun was shining in through the window
of the bus
the noise of us funneling through the air
whistled down the street

i stepped on my shadow
she was pissed at me for weeks.
called me inconsiderate
i told her to stop whining.
to stop acting like me.

the air was strong and brushed me off my feet
for a second i flew
for once gravity didnt connect us,
my shadow and i,
we could finally just be her, and me.

learning about schizophrenia

a flattened person,
the blue faced angel,
watching herself from the corner
of the room, looming on the ceiling, hovering
over herself
this is not happening,
the palm stretched over my back
warm sensation
its not there.
but thats what they want you to believe

and i hate myself some days

mirror youd tell me,
youd let me know if i wasnt good enough
if i wasnt pretty.

i trust your opinion
youve told me before
looked me in the eye
and said

"youre getting uglier and uglier every day"

im looking into you
into you
so deep into you that i am no longer an image
but space being projected between space
and i am ugly, not as an image
but ugly projected.

stop saying what you feel.

i swished the words around in my mouth
and i spat them out like listerine
my tongue left sterile from the thought.
i should just keep my mouth shut
my stupid mouth.

i want to write childrens books

"You look just like the moon," said the pickle to the balloon,
"I'm just a wrinkley cucumber."

how can i know you?

i remember how i looked in your eyes
a reflection of the person you thought i was
a glare like glass,
and the sun shining through those clouds.

i remember how i thought you were
an image of a person
standing next to me
the ideal. my ideal, but thats just who i thought you were

its is simplistic really, the strain in my chest
drooping like the branches of a willow tree
a weight invisible to the breeze.
but reaching out with every brush of wind.

i tried to write it down, write you down
i couldnt capture the way your skin smelled
or the slightest smile curled at the corner of your lips
i couldnt snag you in my net

and so you there you are
just a tiny reflection in a sea of glass
or a grain of sand swooped up by the surf,
and sticking in my eyes.

no matter the strain

sore thumbs from pressing into you
i am a fraction of who i used to be
you never get back what you put out
just give me back the pieces, just give me back.
i wonder if you ever think of me
if there is a strand of me somewhere
even just a grain of thought
or am i so easily forgotten

you would never fall for me

i would climb you to the top
if you were a tree
would you be strong enough to hold me

dont just fall
in the middle of the forest no one would hear you.
dont just fall
not for me.

blurb

this is not my house
i only live in this house
my feet were not the first to touch this floor
and im guessing my body was not the
first to make love

those goddamn clouds

well i closed my eyes
but my thoughts provoked them
open again
rambling back and forth
look up
look at him

nothing to lose
so i lined up my shot
can hit the ball but never sink
it. i never look
just blink,

you crash into me
like a blow to the chest
heart sinking and
fluttering. wont you cut
me loose.

if you werent leaving
then i would leave this.
fish hooks sunk into my lungs
pulling me every way.

if you werent leaving
then i would leave this

returning

in the seconds i am home first, the air still
and smelling like rain, i can tell the walls were
lonely, welcoming me as i open my door,
enclosing me within themselves, a room
my room.
a home
my home.

i remember the carpets. lying on them,
brand new. i remember you laying down beside me
just looking at the ceiling. no words
not even a whisper

i remember the way the house shook
when i slammed the door at you
cringing as its bones slowly collapsed

or waking up in the middle of the night
to you standing in the corner.
you are my home.
but now you are just a house

shame on me if you...

you disappeared faster than that glass of wine
and the bottle is left uncorked on my counter
i told you this, these things that will sever us
like a ghost limb or the fat off my steak
but you did not listen, head phone and cellphone
chiming in your ears.

i asked you to stay but you didnt, insistant
that there would be another time..another hour.
but there is only now, and later doesnt even exist yet.
so i counted three times to see if you would notice
like in a dream, i was repeating this, only the scene had changed.

so as i was saying i counted, like yellow block letters on a green chalk board
one two and three*
you dont strike* me as someone who cares
so you disappeared, and i finished off the bottle.

swallowed all of your vitamins

through osmosis, thats how
maybe thats how
i got to be bitter
as i was sleeping
you were seeping through my pores
these broken arms cant hold you down
my heart beats like yours, my heart still beats
and i am a snowman if you are a strong man
my arms are twigs and my eyes are coal
you are cold
i shut my eyes, i shut them
for maybe just a second
and i felt you sigh in my ear
i hate the air your lungs
extract
exactly like i used to be loved.
if you never came into me. if your heart never enveloped mine
if you never held my hand in your pocket
i am gulping i am gulping back the vitamins you set out for me
the night before when you knew in the morning
you wouldnt be able to lift yourself up.
fishing line heaving you into our lives
so maybe thats how i got to be bitter
over nights when you would never wake up

your problems are massive!

i cant handle your metallic blubbering,
like soggy toast or puddle wet shoes
just shut your mouth.

living under the light

some days i can't but crouch over
the spitting image of my mother hovering
over the kitchen table, cigarette in long fingers,
Another one burnt out in the ashtray.

"Even is never really even, is it?"
I ask, but later forget her answer

i'm no good at telling fortunes for the future,
though i know exactly where you came from (exactly)
somedays you can't but remember your father on the grey couch
saying "you're a fool," and you know you live your life that way
you look just like him (spitting)
but even is never really even, is it?

and as the day fades to night and the shadow of the lace curtains in our kitchen drapes itself over my mother's face
and the wind from the open
window in the living room of your childhood house
brushes against your father's ear-we know they live their lives this way

separate from the waterlines

this poem is a demi glosa, the two lines are from "equinox", a poem by susan musgrave.

the lines are as follows:
"floating from darkness
like separate tides"

here goes,

I looked into you for a second
split into fragments.
our fingers laced, hips twisted,
and legs touching. I let the water
wash over my face, numbering each
drop to slide off my nose. outlining
the shape of your lips.
Alone in that room again.
Closing our blinds.
Floating from darkness.

Could you be rid of me sooner? sticky
with guilt, I placed my bare feet on the floor.
I remember mother saying "try holding an
asprin between your knees". marking me
before the target. Our bodies lapsing
and turning, you rushed past me.
Cracking bones and
removing veins.
disecting, intersecting,
like separate tides.

untitled

If I disected my brain- myelin sheeths and membranes
will you piece them together to find the impression of your face?
I've had my fill of music
tones- noise.
This is not how I imagined it.
Hazy and illuminated
you sitting next to me
hands touching
wanting
to be so much closer
to come into me
to posses, to stand in
my body, your bones
as my bones. That's how close.

I had my fill of men
toes tapping, fingers
reaching to dance
with me
This was not how I imagined it
Groping, pushing down lungs,
vacuuming out the air.
The pavement on a residential street, head smoothed over
like an oil painting on a harsh cool canvas.

branches in your way

i saw the stars in this black
sky. i saw your face your eyes
looked through
me my guts spilling, pleading
to be with that
feeling you have around you
you're soft like warm
water filling me, filling up
in that black sky
i found you
washing my face in the sand
washing ocean over rocks over
my skin i am sleeping
i am dreaming you illusive you
are barely touchable
not quite awake the hair on your arm
is blonde i should think bleached by
the sun are you so illuminated, bright
and painted amber i see you
before i drift away

break me like branches in your way my bones could be your bones but
i am not you
are walking past me my shoulder
edging past yours i am weaving away
from you a cloth spun out of the clouds,
i am silver so simply silver you could
be golden but you are just so many
grains of sand i cannot grasp, i cannot
grasp- i am branches in your way

february 23rd, or the day i fell apart from you.

welling up like a punch to the chest
i am aiming my words at you
dead in the centre

it has been two hours, one minute, and twenty-seven seconds since i last said your name,
and its starting to ring like a tired fire alarm
single file out the nearest exit

tugging at my arm, you are like a sick baby, wanting wanting everything you see
i would tell you emptilly that next time i will leave you in the car
but i dont even own one

you have not seen my face enough times to notice a change, so maybe i will wait a while
i am not not not an ever morphing "changling", i only experiment every now and then

if i am lacking in any area please dont hesitate to point it out
i would rather know what you hate about me than guess and have the insecurity.

if i bake you a cake, you are more than welcome to lick the icing off the spatula,
my finger tips, or the side of my neck, because my breath escapes anyways why not quicker?

cantelope is round and sweet but my melons are of the flesh, skin is the only thing separating us, now how do we take off our birthday suits and ties?