i want to tell you.

ive been trying to get up the nerve
the nerve to say this to you
but lungs breathe in too deeply
to allow the words to escape from
soft lips
i miss you harder than
you could miss me and i want
to kiss you longer than you want
to kiss me.
i missed my chance to tell you.
i missed my chance.

i am sorry.

mild distortion of thoughts, and i am out
like the brightest of lights you were told to never walk in to
i see you plain and simple
someone to hold on to, something to clutch
but yet there is more than just the physical.
i always open my mouth at the wrong time,
i always feel the way i shouldn't be feeling
and i always make sure everyone
knows it.
i am unintentional. i am a mistake
that someone made and i continued
to make it.
i am out like the brightest of lights,
one that will never turn on again.

11:56 am and the night after the ocean view

cradle me in the night
which is dark and cold
but in the morning
you leave me
like you found me.
i am a feather of things
simplicity of wings and another
heart string tendon
vibrating towards your
hands held and shaken
i am shaken when i am with you
feeling insecure and unsure
and less than i have
ever felt
but sometimes
it's good to feel small.
know your place
stand up straight, stand
in line and
know your place
is right next to someone else
someone who bothers to warm your back
when its facing the wind
and knows to kiss your cheek
when it's hot from the flame.
but i'm still burning
waiting in line
the finish line, heart pulled
with fish line and sinker
i just need someone who would
bother to reel me in.

my father the painter

my father the painter, with head
held higher than most other mans head
and a prickly mustache that scratched my cheeks
with kisses, always knew what everyone's thoughts were.
he made jokes like i make jokes
and he stretched out his long arms with each paint brush stroke
yawning in the sun.
i remember how big his hands were, i know my hand fit inside
so small, and that's how i will always feel.
my father the painter with splattered jeans and
beer in the fridge.

judgements of trust; we are in the same boat.

you've read my words and
listened to snippets
of conversation
absorbing only the smallest fragments
of who i want you to believe i am.
so you accuse me. i am not guilty
or maybe i am guilty in thought.
but you say you have this gut feeling.
maybe you're too scared to be vulnerable
so you push me away
like the rest of an unwanted meal.
don't bother putting me in the fridge for later,
just scrape me off your plate.

to be like me

to be mortal is to fall apart, separate skin from bone
and lacerated tendons
to decay.
to never die is to live carelessly
to take for granted the soul
that lives within.

to my great aunt, i never knew your name

i never met you, but i
touched the things you left
behind
a dim apartment you never
owned, books you
read more than once,
maybe even more than
three times.
the family bible in the
drawer of the bedside table,
and the cold carpet that
you stood on every morning
as you crawled out of bed.
you must have meant something
to somebody,
that's why we were
there, to clean up after you,
my mothers aunt
my grandmothers sister. and someone elses daughter
i got to choose one
thing to take. just one.
i took the brass sculpture
of an otter.
i looked at it, and thought
that's where you were now.
inside.
so i took you, and
kept you alive.

he hit him and i heard of it

you hollow out the fish you caught
dissecting the bones and throwing them into the fire
the smell of marrow burning.
you remember it
since the day your father belted you
on a camping trip up north. the smell is almost
comforting. this was the last time he felt anything for you.
even if it was hate
but we could toss that in the fire,
listen to it cackle and hiss
another memory.
you could wince, but the calmness of the water
always brings you back to it.
and secretly you love to think of it.

sleepy

sleep falling over my eyes like
a steel blanket weighted above my body
sunken into the mattress, i am alone one more time.
it keeps dragging me down, sleep clings to me
like sand between toes, or leaches in a pond
it feels nice to be heavy every now and then.
cloud dream bubbles and animated "zzz"'s above my head

thinking about love and longing

all this time
i've been caught up thinking, you're this untouchable grace
and i have thought about you, unthinkable thoughts
alone in a slated room like rocks lying on a beach
and sanding down each others bones
you are 'tallest in the morning' they say
so i would lie down with you. in fact i dreamt of it.

untitled

maybe with a gasp
of discontent you would notice
the tears in my eyes.
oh if i held my breath and
turned blue, you would know how
blue i am on the inside.
my blood runs thinner now that
ive had a drink
the drink tells me to lie
very still, with quarters on my eyes
and an old kiss still puckered on my lips.
the ocean could crash down,
millions of miles away, and the
tiniest of vibrations
would still tickle my toes.
they wont remember me
tomorrow, or even notice if i were gone.
their minds
are not as sharp as my elbows,
ive always been able to butt my way
through a crowd.
stand out, stand up, stand down.
if i were unique
like you say, i never knew
how i got this way.
would like to think i
were ordinary...would like to think
things are easier for those
without pencils in their pockets
or nails in their shoes.

i wish

all of the kids... with full pockets and parents there
to stuff them up.
ive started to sew my pants
without them, the pockets that is.
aint no one there to
rub my back until i fall asleep
tired and want
to give it all up, some days,
at least.
im relying on you
to lead me home,
hope.
and your relying on me
to be the one to love.
i spotted a couple last night
hugging and dancing and matching fingers between
fingers
i wished i were them.
i fucking wished
i was them.
all of your childrens children
never knew what it was
without a mothers mother
or a fathers dad, nope.
nuclear families i cant stand for
they just start to sicken me
but i want that.
i want them.
i fucking wish.