idontcare

i will
deny that i have these em-
otions, but they burn a hole through my stomach, and pinch my
nerves until i am fiery and i cannot
turn them off
cannot refuse that they
are existant. cannot
refuse that i am only human
even though i lie and pretend i dont care

a moment of regret

i dropped the ball again like i dropped your favourite bowl and watched with open mouth as the glass shattered, unfixable are all of the mistakes i have made.

and i say things sometimes, sometimes for the smallest of laughs, but i shatter when i see the sadness in your eyes.

i make the most of all these obstacles, and i run through them like grass, but sometimes the grass is too high, and my legs arent strong enough to glide through it

so i lay there, watching the sky, and the sky is always changing on me. and even i dont stay the same lying under it

i take in breaths and those breaths keep me alive and they keep me moving, but those breaths keep me dying. every molecule of oxygen makes me older, and my eyes will start to tire and i know my mind will go some day

but all i have is this second, and the broken glass beneath my feet to sweep up again

youarebeautiful

you can never
open that jar of pickles
unless i am
around for you to impress, a
riot would ensue if someone wasnt there to
ensure how you are such a strong man
but
even
an
unintentional idiot would notice youre lying
to
impress the likes of me it would take more effort
for i am not that kind of girl
unless, of course, you are a
lonely kind of guy

make an effort

i am not unfaithful but my right eye is a wandering one
it is not that you disinterest me
but you seem to slip away
like those tubey balloon things filled with water
you never jiggle in my direction
i like to get looks and i like to give looks
but you always sit beside me so i cant see into
your eyes
so i forget what colours they are
and i only remember that i like you more when im with you
it doesnt help that youre never around
im not unfaithful, but im looking into the eyes of those who look into mine

a quick note

dear un-nameable,

tonight i saw two deer on my neighbours lawn as i was walking home in the glint of the lights that line my street. this reminded me of running around in the forest in your back yard, there were many deer, i swear they could see straight through me.
last night i was driving in the dark, and i saw where you used to drive us, up straight and onto a winding road, into a clearing where houses we waiting to be built, and we sat on the roof of your car, looking up at the stars, feet dangling through the sun roof, the foo fighters playing off your ipod. i remember how unsure i was of myself. and i remember how it started to rain, though only lightly. and how i told you to just take me home.
i remember how i didnt feel like i even had a home at that time. so inbetween. so secondary to everything else.
but the rain was real. and the stars were. and the deer still see straight through me.
im so glad to be rid of you. i pretend you never happened. but i remember the driving. and i remember the rain, i always remember it this time of year.

walking down my street after dark

i wonder what you are doing behind your windows
i wonder what youre up to behind those glowing curtains
i want to know your exact thought
i want to be a snap shot of you
a photograph on your wall
i want to be you

ps, an after-thought

you could slowly run your fingers down
run them down the window of the car while you drive away
i am walking myself up to the front door
thinking of what i should not say
but i did
those words, they didnt sound too good.
i would take them back if i could.
even though i meant it.
and i know what you mean
as you drive yourself home again
driving yourself away from me

on the subject of sweating

i am nervous.
on the ride over to my house you light up a cigar
you dont inhale.
i can imagine the match sizzling with the flick of your wrist
the morning is yellowing
and opening the sky.
i cant wait until you get here
i cant wait to see your face, to memorize it
one more time
to imprint it into my eyelids
so when i close them and sleep even then i see you
i am nervous
i know youre on your way

cancer

there is a thick layer of nicotine on my finger
and some days i crave other worldly things unlike
these sticks of dried roots and chlorophyl
i am stronger than the axe you swing at me
i am stronger than branches
and stronger than the tree

i'll show you the kelp you left behind

you build it up like a brick house
a wall to keep the wolves out
and you never mind what your neighbours say
you build it up like a stack of hay
and we were sea lions before we were born into these bodies
torn from the ocean that bore us
that bathes us

skippin' town

i held your hand
you packed your bags
some old clothes, some old shoes
and the pictures of your father
we threw it out, at the cost of animosity
wouldve burned it if we thought to

its not your fault
they all expect too much of you
take it in stride
youre only better because of this
it could all be in your mind

to be persued

never ever a priority
always just a convenience
going out of your way
to fill your infatuation
to fill it to the brim with thoughts of
candy flavoured kisses and the look of my
legs in that skirt.
you wouldnt dare
i want to be what you desire
to be persued
i want to be what you live for
what you would die for
but i take sips from this stained coffee cup
and my eyes are tired some days
and you would never admit that you liked me once
just as you never even admitted to me
never have i been a priority

spacial

i think you will wear tired of me
in this constellation of thoughts you are the milky way
lucid and opaque.
i wish i was the sun
to cast a light onto you
to make you love me.
to make your universe collide

danse macabre

i could be expansive
i could spread out like spilled coffee
i could never imagine fitting myself back into that body
my energy is floating all around us
everything is loud, piercing
every small sound is multiplied by a thousand
reverberrating in my skull
i could be expansive
i could never imagine fitting myself back into that body again.

on a thursday night in the midst of a dream she left us all

youd give me more if you could.
what the rest of my days should be
i would change everything
i would make love to you. i would dance with you on a rainy night
sleep under the stars
i would eat anything i wanted
i would eat you up
i would go bungee jumping
free fall and hope not to lose touch
with you
and if i died today, what day is it anyway?
would you remember my smile.
oh, the smell of my hair
oh, the taste of my lips
wake up naked
drinking coffee
the world is changing us.
and if i died today, what day is it anyway?

when you are all alone, youre not

there are angels everywhere
they kissed your skin before you were born,
that is what those freckles are on your arms

they are standing right beside you
sometimes they stare into you
hoping to catch a glimpse of recognition

we look right through them
we look straight through.

untitled

you are cancerous.
cantankerous.
all of us are diseased
swimming around on this planet
in the end its not death that separates us
its ourselves

while i was on the bus, you came to mind

i would be happy to lay down beside you
close my eyes and never open them
stay here forever.
i said i miss you, but you couldnt hear me.
whispered it under my breath. but just to be near you
(could you say the same?)
i wanted to undress you with my eyes but you slapped away my glare
button yourself up tight, now all i do is stare
please dont close the door when im eighty-four
the heart has no wrinkles, but the creases by my eyes are from looking into yours.
i would be happy to lay down beside you
and never wake up.

separate from this planets conditions

the sun was shining in through the window
of the bus
the noise of us funneling through the air
whistled down the street

i stepped on my shadow
she was pissed at me for weeks.
called me inconsiderate
i told her to stop whining.
to stop acting like me.

the air was strong and brushed me off my feet
for a second i flew
for once gravity didnt connect us,
my shadow and i,
we could finally just be her, and me.

learning about schizophrenia

a flattened person,
the blue faced angel,
watching herself from the corner
of the room, looming on the ceiling, hovering
over herself
this is not happening,
the palm stretched over my back
warm sensation
its not there.
but thats what they want you to believe

and i hate myself some days

mirror youd tell me,
youd let me know if i wasnt good enough
if i wasnt pretty.

i trust your opinion
youve told me before
looked me in the eye
and said

"youre getting uglier and uglier every day"

im looking into you
into you
so deep into you that i am no longer an image
but space being projected between space
and i am ugly, not as an image
but ugly projected.

stop saying what you feel.

i swished the words around in my mouth
and i spat them out like listerine
my tongue left sterile from the thought.
i should just keep my mouth shut
my stupid mouth.

i want to write childrens books

"You look just like the moon," said the pickle to the balloon,
"I'm just a wrinkley cucumber."

how can i know you?

i remember how i looked in your eyes
a reflection of the person you thought i was
a glare like glass,
and the sun shining through those clouds.

i remember how i thought you were
an image of a person
standing next to me
the ideal. my ideal, but thats just who i thought you were

its is simplistic really, the strain in my chest
drooping like the branches of a willow tree
a weight invisible to the breeze.
but reaching out with every brush of wind.

i tried to write it down, write you down
i couldnt capture the way your skin smelled
or the slightest smile curled at the corner of your lips
i couldnt snag you in my net

and so you there you are
just a tiny reflection in a sea of glass
or a grain of sand swooped up by the surf,
and sticking in my eyes.

no matter the strain

sore thumbs from pressing into you
i am a fraction of who i used to be
you never get back what you put out
just give me back the pieces, just give me back.
i wonder if you ever think of me
if there is a strand of me somewhere
even just a grain of thought
or am i so easily forgotten

you would never fall for me

i would climb you to the top
if you were a tree
would you be strong enough to hold me

dont just fall
in the middle of the forest no one would hear you.
dont just fall
not for me.

blurb

this is not my house
i only live in this house
my feet were not the first to touch this floor
and im guessing my body was not the
first to make love

those goddamn clouds

well i closed my eyes
but my thoughts provoked them
open again
rambling back and forth
look up
look at him

nothing to lose
so i lined up my shot
can hit the ball but never sink
it. i never look
just blink,

you crash into me
like a blow to the chest
heart sinking and
fluttering. wont you cut
me loose.

if you werent leaving
then i would leave this.
fish hooks sunk into my lungs
pulling me every way.

if you werent leaving
then i would leave this

returning

in the seconds i am home first, the air still
and smelling like rain, i can tell the walls were
lonely, welcoming me as i open my door,
enclosing me within themselves, a room
my room.
a home
my home.

i remember the carpets. lying on them,
brand new. i remember you laying down beside me
just looking at the ceiling. no words
not even a whisper

i remember the way the house shook
when i slammed the door at you
cringing as its bones slowly collapsed

or waking up in the middle of the night
to you standing in the corner.
you are my home.
but now you are just a house

shame on me if you...

you disappeared faster than that glass of wine
and the bottle is left uncorked on my counter
i told you this, these things that will sever us
like a ghost limb or the fat off my steak
but you did not listen, head phone and cellphone
chiming in your ears.

i asked you to stay but you didnt, insistant
that there would be another time..another hour.
but there is only now, and later doesnt even exist yet.
so i counted three times to see if you would notice
like in a dream, i was repeating this, only the scene had changed.

so as i was saying i counted, like yellow block letters on a green chalk board
one two and three*
you dont strike* me as someone who cares
so you disappeared, and i finished off the bottle.

swallowed all of your vitamins

through osmosis, thats how
maybe thats how
i got to be bitter
as i was sleeping
you were seeping through my pores
these broken arms cant hold you down
my heart beats like yours, my heart still beats
and i am a snowman if you are a strong man
my arms are twigs and my eyes are coal
you are cold
i shut my eyes, i shut them
for maybe just a second
and i felt you sigh in my ear
i hate the air your lungs
extract
exactly like i used to be loved.
if you never came into me. if your heart never enveloped mine
if you never held my hand in your pocket
i am gulping i am gulping back the vitamins you set out for me
the night before when you knew in the morning
you wouldnt be able to lift yourself up.
fishing line heaving you into our lives
so maybe thats how i got to be bitter
over nights when you would never wake up

your problems are massive!

i cant handle your metallic blubbering,
like soggy toast or puddle wet shoes
just shut your mouth.