reminiscing

it is my 11th birthday. my closest friends are over at my house,
and i have a cold. at some point i laugh so hard that snot comes shooting out my nose.
disgusting, but ....really really funny at the time. i remember when things like parents and money and clothes didn't matter. i remember when we had the summer off from school and just hung out all day, played hide and go seek until the sun went down and went to the beach almost everyday. summers were the greatest. up until summer jobs were an apparent necessity. i remember thinking that being able to go to the park (that was maybe 30 metres from my back yard) by myself was a huge deal. there are a lot of things i am missing lately. i wish i could be a kid for just 5 more minutes, like the way most people yearn for 5 more minutes in bed. just turn off the light, pull the covers over my head, and play tag in the backyard with the neighbourhood kids.

untitled

still, like the moment before the fox leaps
at its prey,
still.

quiet, like in the morning
when sleep is starting to creep away,
roll out with the fog,
and the city is still.

i want to be quiet.
i want to be still.
i want to be with you.
if forever is even such a thing.

bumbling fool
bumble bee
be mine
whats mine is yours
forever more,
you bumbling old fool.

faint breath,
blue faced
and pin pricked
angels,
they sing me to sleep
some days, nights
and sometimes even
he visits me.
but only sometimes.

i see you hover
others have spoken
of you, seen you
talked with you
for only a moment,
i think the mind shows
you what you want to see.
and i certainly dont want to
see, he who left me.
but i know you hover.
i see the shadow
in the corner of the ceiling
i see the shadow
over my heart.

i find it so easy to love people.
i find it so easy to be disappointed.
if you hadnt have left me,
maybe i would chose someone
who loves me back.
instead of choosing just anyone
to love.

bumbling fool.
fools gold is not
for the heart of me.

folded, edges in.

could scream it at you, not sure if you heard me the first time
its like all i wanted is folded, edges in, and done up with a bow
its like all i wanted is folded.

inside of sweaty bars and in the back seats of cars i was finding myself
sitting alone with other people, meaningless communication
just to be close to someone.

its like all i wanted is folded.

just to be close to anyone. just give me a smile darling
just buy me a drink, that's what i would think.
sitting alone next to someone who wasn't you.

and i could scream it at you, it grows bigger
and bigger, a ball in my throat
a light exploding inside of my chest
but for now we will stick to meaningless communication
i think i would like to stick around with you
for a little while at least

provide for one

deer footprint, headlight, side lamp
willow tree, dissected interstate
traffic line
pomegranate
lime aide lemonade
butterfly wings
blue morning
soup at lunch
roast beef at dinner.
alone again
dead of winter.

untitled

thickened with smoke, the air
becomes a passive necessity.
i would never admit that what keeps
me alive, is in the end what kills me.
i want to breathe you in instead.
i want to remember your air

they tore it out

playground my father helped build
wood chips and old metal slide
bolted to wooden bridges.
playground my father helped
build, was torn down today.
replaced with gravel
and plastic slides
and metal bars to climb.
so much lesser than it had been
in my younger life.
so much less.

when the end is near it will be what you wanted

i will leave you alone like you have insinuated
you've made references towards
the great departure.
so i will make it easy for you.
i will make it easy for you to hate me.

summer nights

sallow sunken skin washed over like
an old apple
you could make pies out of you.
you could make cider.
blades of grass that itched my leg
and the smell of sweet summer
flowers, they never smell as sweet
as you, and the mosquitos always
find it.

bold laughter and arms
dewy with summer sweat
as the night cools off
we turn down the rythmic
fans- click click buzz
and another stale breeze
in that direction.

only a month ago at this time
it would have been dark
but now dusk only brings pale light
and the flutter of moths

whirring back and forth
between the trees
this seasons bees search and find you.

Never Enough

She paid so much money to look that cheap,
and she grinned with the whitest of white teeth
and I'm wondering, why are we changing ourselves?
and I'm wondering, why do we keep changing?
I thought, when I was twelve, I had no breasts
and my mother still bought my clothes
from Zellers.
and I see,
this girl she wears guess jeans
and shes
attracting men
older than me.
I just hope her father
is a strong figure.
I just hope he's strong enough
to knock her down.
My mother was strong enough-
enough to be father and mom.
She knocked me down for the both of them,
and I think I will never be good enough.
So you're looking at that girl running
she's more fit, more strong,
more blonde,
than I will ever be
and you tell me what you would like
to do to her,
and I wonder why not me.
Because mother was always good
at "you're fat, you're ugly, you're dumb, you're a liar"
so baby stop telling me I'm not good enough,
just go join the choir.

untitled

she said she had no bones
but hungrier for something
ultra-human something
passively exotic
and she said to me
that she had no bones

forever-ben harper

not talking about a year, no not three or four, i dont want that kind of forever in my life anymore.
forever always seems to be around when things begin, but forever never seems to be around
when it ends.

no regrets about you darling.

walking home in the dark
of a warm summer night.
i think, under that light
we stood one time
i remember the shadows that hit
your cheek, your eye.
walking home, alone, again.
let the emptiness come crashing in.
again.
that's how i like it.
never gave me a ride home.
never took me out to see the stars
but the stars are brightest tonight,
and i took myself to see them

untitled

clear mind.
sleeping eyes.
breathless air.
summer is here.

late night.
phone rings.
it's not you this time.
turn a blind eye.

dreams are what save you.
turn a blind eye, baby.
it's not you this time.
summer is here

oysters

different from the inside
scratched at and etched skin
of hard shell covered hearts

half sleep world

cracked palms,
dry hands,
hard working minds, they search over
my body.
quiet eyes, half sleep world
and undertone of voices
whispering sighs and hollowed
out thoughts
scooped out like the flesh of avocado.
that's where i would follow you
like fuzz in the air that drifts
and sneezes on the flesh.
i would follow the air around you.
blinded minds and heavy blankets
are a sea bed of so many creatures
you have seen and i have never heard of.
you see so many things i wont ever.
you see so many things in me
cracked palms searching over.

quick note

stop and wait, hurry up and wait
always in an awkward rush, but so am I
just want it to happen already, what, I don't know
just something new, something amazing,
something that makes my heart skip a beat,
something that knocks me off my feet
and stops the words in my mouth.
I cant stand it. palm to palm.
skin on skin, and eye to eye, you look into mine.
but I could get looks else where if that's all I wanted
you know it's not.
you were all I ever wanted.

untitled

"aint got nothing, then you aint to nothing to lose," she said
and i laughed as smoke
streamed from my mouth, because she had more than anyone i knew.
that day there was a thunder storm,
and lightning drove me home
scared i might get hit,
and i had.
old aunt of cigarettes and sunken bone marrow
asked me where i had been. out.
out.
out. and nowhere else.
further than the oak tree in the backyard
and higher than the rain in the sky.

i cant explain why

this is me wrapped up in you,
in your blanket, in this bed.
this is me.
i can remember the colour of your eyes
they are brighter each time i see them
i want to put that smile in my pocket
to look at it, whenever i want.
to have a piece of you, some place
with me.
i cant explain how safe i feel.
how warmed. and that's what it is.
that is what i meant when i told you
that i love you

what is better for me

from the grocery store, back down my street
to the place i call my home,
and up my spine,
and in the corner of my eye.
they say "if a man is a man he will treat you like
the woman you are, and you are a great one.
i said honey, you are a great one".
but from my sighing breath and
the tips of my fingers, and the
kiss of my lips, i still wish
i could touch you.
cant even get close.
not to you. or any man who
says he cares, they just don't.
it's because they really don't.

like dying but softer

grandmother to grandmother
of breast and ovaries

father of bone
and mother of lung

hand to hand
and mouth to smoke

kisses are the tumors
a swelling growth

i will have it too one day
of skin, of blood

i will be consumed by
the bodies

and ground into someones
new soul.