untitled

i bruised my hand one time, or maybe you bruised it for me
holding me back from traffic, one leg
extended, other leg ready
for take off
i could jump off these
buildings, you built them.
they are higher and higher until
no one can see the ocean, not even
from their roofs, let alone their
front lawns.
so i wanted to stand
on the rocks. waded in the salt
and sand to reach them.
i bruised my hand once.

counting silver

"you have nickles on you", she pointed..."there...and there...
you have nickles in your skin, i do too, but you have more, and kids have even more than you do"
i didnt understand. i am not made of money and coins do not string together my body,
holding tightly or interwoven between cells of fat and tissue.
so i agreed, so you would feel understood, and you put your fingers into her pourage to steal her sugar.

slveszki

i took a breath, well, a sigh one might call it
and wheezed as my lungs struck their cords
im not an instrument you might play, with bony fingers, no
but i could play that tune if you wanted me to
im good at pretending, i could be good for you

so i plucked out each gray hair i found, and i picked
the ones off the back of my sweater
im tired, so tired of growing old
that i asked the doctor to cut away
the useless skin, like chicken breast
but with the softest of feathers.

and i turned my cheek to you one day
so you reintroduced your palm to it
and i grabbed your hand harder than you knew to
sayin' "you cant hurt me anymore"
and your stain glass glare didn't throw me
this time, you are my violin.

today i am not who i want to be

cant find the time, to make excuses, too busy taking what you give me
throwing right to me
and my smile will fade after a long day, and the sun will always go away
misunderstood the lines of the lyrics to the song you sing to me
can never quite get why every man
all strong men
have to leave, die or yell
and well, im growing thinner, trying to fit in...fit in to this picture perfect view
but scissors keep snipping down the corners, making it smaller, making it harder
i will never be a woman who can hold your hand.

tired of the same people

i don't know what it was that drew me to you,
line from point A to point B diagrammed in pencil.
the eraser is getting pretty worn out by now.

brevity equals clarity

pretending i am weightless, underneath the sky tonight, and looking down at city lights
makes me feel so small.
i never judged me until you judged you, and only by comparison did i come up insufficient.
and only then did i see myself for what i was, not a snapshot tucked into an old book for someone i don't know to find some day, but i see my face. i see the pores expanding with oxygen and time. i see me as you see me.
just a body encasing something untamed inside.
just a body.

untitled

i want to be better than you, better than the songs you sing and the words you
read off that paper napkin, the words your wrote while waiting for me to arrive
you think you are such a smart man, you're a boy with a pen in his hand.
and sometimes you make the stupidest of remarks
ones that stain remover cant seem to draw from my memory.
why don't you compare us again? tell me how shes thinner
tell me how her smiles are what you think of when you think of me.

and when you're done, just reply,

"well, i still think you're pretty..."

looking for the unconditional

you were the last one to fully love me, curled up in your lap
you combed my hair with your fingers.
i'm looking for someone to do the same
but i always give too much away.

i remember you on the worst of days

i am daddys little girl with flinstone pushpop dripping down my summer dress.
my mother is yelling at you
with cigarrette in hand, car keys in other, shes here to take me home.
i love you most. i know shes poisoning your mind, like she does mine.
we walked down to the corner store with my brother,
he is a man now, with two kids of his own.
i still fantasize that i see you walking, im looking for your face in
everyone who walks past. im not crazy.
i know youre not alive anymore, i just miss you.
i was daddys little girl. i was five.

used to laugh at your jokes. now the joke is on you.

you want me? you can have me.
im nothing. have nothing.
im ready, gun in hand, i packed your
badge, we're ready.
we're nothing.

i could read you. crack your spine
crack open that book of yours, of you.
im not a fan of that dialogue,
the language thats written is pompous and
poison.

so im ready. gun in hand. i made sure to pack your badge.

maternally destined.

cracks in the heels of your feet mean you stand up, for you, for me.
cracks in the pavement mean you break your mothers back, been breaking
her since the day you were born
shes sturdier than you can see, she lets you
lean, now you lean on me.

a squabble

oh please stop. i dont deserve all of the flowers you are sending me. i hate the way you dote. you tell me you love the outline of my body, and you softly smell my hair. i just dont deserve the dinners you take me to, four course meals and when youre done you proceed to order wine, and not even because you want to get me drunk, but because "the pallet deserves a taste of extravegance", thats what you say.
and you buy me things. diamonds... and you gave me, one time, a massage that lasted two hours. not expecting one in return.
oh please stop.

you are the water and i am just the same as ive been

"what the water wants is hurricanes, and sailboats to ride on its back. what the water wants is sun kiss and land to run into its back"


and i know when you leave dear, you'll come back to me sooner than you went
sitting on the edge of the tub with toes dipped in
you like the way you swirl when youre with me
you are the water and i am just the same as ive been
enveloping me like a blanket
and getting carried away to different coasts.
im with you

irremoveable things.

i hollered. voice echoed through your skelleton
and you were moved by the words i said.
i said, i've been looking for someone
someone who's kind of like you
someone who's invisible kind of like me
and i was moved by the thoughts in my head
they screamed your name and it rang like a bell
in the tunnel of my ears
filtering into the thought of us on my bed
with the light on in the other room. and how i wish you would make love to me
but you have to be in love to do that.
and i know this- i know youre not in love.

in the margin

i avoided throwing the papers out
the ones where i scribbled your last name after my first
and drew little hearts in the margin
and i had these dreams then, dreams of swimming
in the ocean, ocean
rushing over my hair
hair turning into kelp and seaweed
but the sun is still shining on me
through the water.
so i sent those papers away
in a bottle with a cap
and i put them in the sea
where they belong with you

quickly now and without dimention

the air could be moving but i am moving with it and the cement is titling under our feet and i know the smallest pebbles always get caught in your shoes like losing teeth and spitting out the blood and the blood reminds me of the look in your eyes when i told you that i had been lying, the look on your face was boiling, so hot i could cook my conscience right there on the sweat at your brow, and i see it furrow in my imagination everytime i tell someone a piece of me, a piece you have never known and i can tell you are unhappy without me, but youre a relationship pyro and you burned those bridges before i even grew breasts and started kissing boys or before i knew what the word hypocrite meant, but i know it now and it defines you to a T. but i no longer make these judgements i know you think of me as often as it rains here and that is every day but you only touch my mind as often as i am bit by a spider and i make sure to clean up the webs and i made sure to clean out my closet.